Imagine this scenario: a coworker pops by your desk at 4:45 p.m., looking frazzled. They ask if you can stay late to help finish a project for another team. You glance at the clock, thinking about the dinner plans you made or the workout class you hoped to squeeze in. Reluctantly, you agree, telling yourself that it's a one-time favor.
But was that just a favor, or was it a negotiation?
We often don’t think of workplace interactions like these as negotiations. Why? Because the word “negotiation” can carry transactional connotations—it makes us think of haggling over salary, closing a deal, or hashing out the terms of a contract. Viewing your willingness to help a colleague as transactional might feel uncomfortable or diminish the relational goodwill you hope to foster. After all, you’re a team player, right?
While it’s true that focusing solely on tit-for-tat exchanges can undervalue the importance of relationships, dismissing these interactions as “just favors” can lead to missed opportunities for self-advocacy, professional growth, and meaningful workplace dynamics. That’s why I call these moments everyday negotiations.
Everyday Negotiation
In their book Everyday Negotiations: Navigating the Hidden Agendas in Bargaining, Deborah Kolb and Judith Williams argue that many workplace interactions carry hidden agendas. These hidden agendas don’t have to be malicious or manipulative; they’re simply unspoken expectations, needs, or assumptions that shape our interactions. By recognizing these moments as negotiations, you can navigate them better.
Consider the example above: your coworker’s request is not just a plea for help; it’s an implicit negotiation. You’re trading your time and effort for—well, what exactly? Perhaps it’s goodwill, future reciprocity, or an unspoken expectation of support down the line. Psychologists Dean Pruitt and Jeffrey Rubin describe this as “nonspecific compensation”—when one party receives something of value that isn’t directly related to the transaction at hand. For instance, by staying late, you might be strengthening your relationship with this coworker or building a reputation as a reliable team member.
But recognizing these exchanges as negotiations doesn’t mean you need to tally every favor or demand explicit payback. Instead, it’s about cultivating awareness of the dynamics at play and the choices you’re making.
Why Noticing Matters
For professionals, understanding that these moments are negotiations can be a game-changer. Here are some key takeaways:
Know What You’re Trading: When you say yes to a request, you’re trading something—time, effort, energy—for a potential return. Identifying what you’re giving up and what you’re gaining helps you make intentional decisions.
Set Boundaries Without Guilt: Recognizing these moments as negotiations empowers you to say no when necessary, without feeling like you’re letting someone down. If you always say yes, you risk overextending yourself and depleting your resources.
Strategic Reciprocity: When you do say yes, consider how this act fits into your broader professional relationships. Building goodwill is valuable, but so is ensuring that your contributions are recognized and appreciated.
Advocate for Yourself: Not all negotiations need to be explicit, but there are times when it’s appropriate to ask for something in return. For instance, if you’re consistently staying late to help, it might be worth discussing how this impacts your workload or opportunities for growth.
Strengthen Relationships: Far from undermining relationships, acknowledging these moments as negotiations can enhance them. When handled thoughtfully, they demonstrate respect for both your needs and those of others.
Try This
The next time a coworker asks for your help, pause for a moment and consider the interaction. Is this just a favor, or is it an everyday negotiation? By noticing these moments, you’re not diminishing the value of relationships—you’re enhancing your ability to navigate them with intention and care. Recognizing the subtle negotiations in our daily lives allows us to build stronger, more balanced professional relationships while ensuring that we’re advocating for our own needs along the way.